Tuesday, 25 October 2016
Remembering Lily
Before our relationship trod on a banana skin, and in fact even after, Lily and I were having quite a creative time together. She drew me a picture of me in an Allegro for my Facebook page, was a saucy interviewer interviewing me for my book (sadly deleted by her the first time we broke up) and we wrote and rehearsed an innuendo-filled Krankies sketch together, except we had turned it around so that I was playing the mother and she was my daughter. We also made a couple of pseudo jokey porn movies with particular emphasis on the introductory phoney story bit that comes before the sex. I was watching them last night and remembering the fun side of her again and hoping that she finds someone she can be happy with.
Friday, 21 October 2016
The power of honesty
Three months have passed, you may have noticed. Well well well. Where to start? The funny thing about the Sertraline, which I have been off for 2 months is, it kicked in without me realising and I immediately had two flings that practically overlapped each other. Then I came off it and everything immediately starting going wrong. Coincidence? I don't know.
I think the medication made me more upbeat and fun to be around without me realising. In fact, with Lily (fling 2) I was particularly manic, planning all manner of weird things with her, including a Krankies tribute act and a day out picking up rubbish in motorway verges, to name just two of the many unorthodox things that was on our hit list. And I laughed- I laughed as I have never done before with Lily- and then there was none left. We tried to rekindle what had been but it was completely dead and buried. The last time I saw her was the day before my 41st birthday. She bought me a fish and chip meal, we went to a shitty arcade, played football on the beach with her son and she gave me a birthday card that said, 'Thanks for the laughs.'
For a month or so she'd wanted the old James back (I ended the relationship but it was very much mutual) but I had no idea where he was either. I honestly didn't think I had changed much but I had reverted to the mean spirited, overly serious and negative person I am only just discovering that I must come across to others. (I don't know why I'm so sad, it wearies me, you say it wearies you).
It was only with hindsight that I pieced it all together. I came off the Sertraline because it had sawed my libido in half and I had qualms about it damaging my brain and it's cheating but actually makes things worse in the long run etc, and I'm glad I did but it was a wild ride.
Fling 1. An old friend I had once lusted after and was back in touch with. It as hard for me to tell her but I was up front and said I didn't see us having a future together and rather than scaring her off it simplified things. Things went really well when she came to mine. They started to fall apart when I went to hers (I'd been off the drugs for a a couple of days by then).
Fling 2. Lily. Met her on POF. Seemed boring on text chat but liked her a lot when I met her face to face. I was wearing Sertraline goggles by then, though. When I came off it we started arguing. I told her to be patient because I'd just come off my meds. She said, I was stupid going cold turkey like that, when she came off her meds she wanted to kill people. I said, you're on meds too?? She said yeah, don't make out it's something strange, everyone is. On Oct 2nd, the last day I saw her she was irritable, which she had been for a while. I asked her if she was still on her anti-depressants. She said no, she didn't need them. I reminded her what she had said to be me about it being unwise to come off them and wanting to kill people when she wasn't on them. She replied that it wasn't the meds that were the problem it was everyone being arse holes. (Lily wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. I may never meet anyone again who doesn't know the word 'subsidise'. But when she was at her best she was wonderful and quite lovely in her own way).
Fling 3. This almost happened but I cancelled it. I had arranged a date with a woman in Colchester.
So just think. In two and a half years of being back in the UK I manage one girlfriend, then I take some Sertraline and...maybe that's not the whole story.
It's possible shit was going to hit the fan anyway but without seeing the alternative timeline I can't say.
A word about the title, the power of honesty. Fling 1 and fling 2 were informed right from the start that I had two dates on my plate and were okay with it because I'd been upfront from the start. So it wasn't really a case of one relationship going wrong, then another starting. They both started right and went wrong about the same time with the death knell of the platonic aspect of the relationship being rung about the same time. However, in terms of actual sex I jiggled it so I wasn't actually sleeping with them at the same time.
I think the medication made me more upbeat and fun to be around without me realising. In fact, with Lily (fling 2) I was particularly manic, planning all manner of weird things with her, including a Krankies tribute act and a day out picking up rubbish in motorway verges, to name just two of the many unorthodox things that was on our hit list. And I laughed- I laughed as I have never done before with Lily- and then there was none left. We tried to rekindle what had been but it was completely dead and buried. The last time I saw her was the day before my 41st birthday. She bought me a fish and chip meal, we went to a shitty arcade, played football on the beach with her son and she gave me a birthday card that said, 'Thanks for the laughs.'
For a month or so she'd wanted the old James back (I ended the relationship but it was very much mutual) but I had no idea where he was either. I honestly didn't think I had changed much but I had reverted to the mean spirited, overly serious and negative person I am only just discovering that I must come across to others. (I don't know why I'm so sad, it wearies me, you say it wearies you).
It was only with hindsight that I pieced it all together. I came off the Sertraline because it had sawed my libido in half and I had qualms about it damaging my brain and it's cheating but actually makes things worse in the long run etc, and I'm glad I did but it was a wild ride.
Fling 1. An old friend I had once lusted after and was back in touch with. It as hard for me to tell her but I was up front and said I didn't see us having a future together and rather than scaring her off it simplified things. Things went really well when she came to mine. They started to fall apart when I went to hers (I'd been off the drugs for a a couple of days by then).
Fling 2. Lily. Met her on POF. Seemed boring on text chat but liked her a lot when I met her face to face. I was wearing Sertraline goggles by then, though. When I came off it we started arguing. I told her to be patient because I'd just come off my meds. She said, I was stupid going cold turkey like that, when she came off her meds she wanted to kill people. I said, you're on meds too?? She said yeah, don't make out it's something strange, everyone is. On Oct 2nd, the last day I saw her she was irritable, which she had been for a while. I asked her if she was still on her anti-depressants. She said no, she didn't need them. I reminded her what she had said to be me about it being unwise to come off them and wanting to kill people when she wasn't on them. She replied that it wasn't the meds that were the problem it was everyone being arse holes. (Lily wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. I may never meet anyone again who doesn't know the word 'subsidise'. But when she was at her best she was wonderful and quite lovely in her own way).
Fling 3. This almost happened but I cancelled it. I had arranged a date with a woman in Colchester.
So just think. In two and a half years of being back in the UK I manage one girlfriend, then I take some Sertraline and...maybe that's not the whole story.
It's possible shit was going to hit the fan anyway but without seeing the alternative timeline I can't say.
A word about the title, the power of honesty. Fling 1 and fling 2 were informed right from the start that I had two dates on my plate and were okay with it because I'd been upfront from the start. So it wasn't really a case of one relationship going wrong, then another starting. They both started right and went wrong about the same time with the death knell of the platonic aspect of the relationship being rung about the same time. However, in terms of actual sex I jiggled it so I wasn't actually sleeping with them at the same time.
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