Nicky

In my last post I neglected to mention that I thought Nicky's pics on OK Cupid were indicative of someone mental illnes. Part of the reason I didn't mention it was I wouldn't necessarily file it under good or bad and it was just a passing thought but it turns out I was right. They were all pictures taken a few years ago, that much is obvious from having met Nicky, and it's only their randomness placed next to eachother that give me that impression. One appears to be at some sort of fancy dress do and she is not looking directly at the camera but it's a candid shot. One is of her in a black coat on a train. Her face is overexposed and looks washed out and she isn't smiling. One is a small, strangely cropped short of her laughing and a couple appear to be selfies taken in her bedroom, when she looked much younger and slimmer and are slighly blurred. She is smiling and looks pretty.
The person I met in the pub on Sunday told me she is bi-polar and has an injection every month to stop her going crazy. I asked if she'd been sectioned. Twice, she said and it wasn't so bad. They feed you alot. She's tried suicide. I'm not sure how many times but she drank some kind of acidic cleaning fluid. She said she's had lots of dates but none of them have been a success. One guy was homeless. She bought him a bagel and he covered it in tomato ketchup and didn't say thank you. Another guy asked if he could grope her breasts.
I didn't find her very attractive and I don't think she was attracted to me but in anycase as I'm going to Bangor we both agreed that there no point in starting a relationship. We might end up being friends, though, which would be nice.
My paranoid fears about her being pushy were unfounded. She said you've got to follow your dreams.

Date night

So I have a date. As far as I recall it's been six months since anybody messaged me on OK Cupid or Plenty of Fish but a few days ago someone living in Margate did, the day after I said yes to Bangor university. The signs are good and bad. Mostly not good, I think. On the good side, we have alot in common. She went has lived in two countries abroad, taught English as a foreign language, was once a copywriter, writes short stories, has a disabled mother (agorophobia) and listens to alternative music and is apparently unemployed. All of those things more or less apply to me too. I don't think you can call my meagre existence living on occasional gigs and tax credits a grown up job. In addition, she went to Goldsmith's college. All good.

Now the not good. Well okay, superficially we have alot in common but I didn't detect any spark in our 56 message text chat and that is first and foremost. It was a pretty dull conversation. Second, it felt a little pushy. She opened with:

hello, I am also a writer when I am not looking after my mum, who has agrophobia [sic],
I see you are in Margate. Me too. It's great isn't it?

Now the truth of Margate is it certainly has its charms but many people would describe it as a dump. I guess it's a bit of a mixed bag. But why is she asking me to confirm that it's great when this is by no means a given? I would translate her first paragraph as:

 I have to look after my mother and am therefore confined to Margate. As a result it's important I and my potential spouse like Margate. Margate is great. There we are, I just planted the suggestion in both our minds.

The exchange rolled on a bit, during which it became clear that she hadn't read my profile properly. That was disappointing. Anyway at an opportune moment (though it's already mentioned on my profile) I mention that I'm going to Bangor. She writes:

 That's a bit far away! Why are you going so far away?

Again, to me this is non-sequitur. Far away from where? From Margate? It's not as if I'll be commuting each day from Margate. Is Margate the centre of the universe? No. It's in the arse end of Kent. Bangor is in the arse end of Wales. No biggie. Wherever I am is the centre of my world and at least I'll be surrounded by people I can talk to, which is more than can be said for my life in Margate. So Nicky (her name) asks me what I'm studying and I say Chinese and Creative Studies and she says it's a bit random but it's my choice. I don't know if she means the location is random or my degree choice, due to the delay you get with text chat and I don't ask for clarification. I just say I don't know anybody in Margate and she says:

You know me for starters

Which is really nice, except it's barely true, I'm not even an FB friend. Also, I've been on OKC since June 2015 and she never messaged me in all that time. As far as I recall, her profile has been around all that time or near enough. I think I may have liked it but I must admit I never messaged her.

So those are all my dark thoughts. It doesn't look like a match made in heaven and I can't say I'm bothered because my heart is set on uni.On top of that I'm not happy about my appearance at present. 

Remembering Lily

Before our relationship trod on a banana skin, and in fact even after, Lily and I were having quite a creative time together. She drew me a picture of me in an Allegro for my Facebook page, was a saucy interviewer interviewing me for my book (sadly deleted by her the first time we broke up) and we wrote and rehearsed an innuendo-filled Krankies sketch together, except we had turned it around so that I was playing the mother and she was my daughter. We also made a couple of pseudo jokey porn movies with particular emphasis on the introductory phoney story bit that comes before the sex.  I was watching them last night and remembering the fun side of her again and hoping that she finds someone she can be happy with.

The power of honesty

Three months have passed, you may have noticed. Well well well. Where to start? The funny thing about the Sertraline, which I have been off for 2 months is, it kicked in without me realising and I immediately had two flings that practically overlapped each other. Then I came off it and everything immediately starting going wrong. Coincidence? I don't know.

I think the medication made me more upbeat and fun to be around without me realising. In fact, with Lily (fling 2) I was particularly manic, planning all manner of weird things with her, including a Krankies tribute act and a day out picking up rubbish in motorway verges, to name just two of the many unorthodox things that was on our hit list. And I laughed- I laughed as I have never done before with Lily- and then there was none left. We tried to rekindle what had been but it was completely dead and buried. The last time I saw her was the day before my 41st birthday. She bought me a fish and chip meal, we went to a shitty arcade, played football on the beach with her son and she gave me a birthday card that said, 'Thanks for the laughs.'

For a month or so she'd wanted the old James back (I ended the relationship but it was very much mutual) but I had no idea where he was either. I honestly didn't think I had changed much but I had reverted to the mean spirited, overly serious and negative person I am only just discovering that I must come across to others. (I don't know why I'm so sad, it wearies me, you say it wearies you).

It was only with hindsight that I pieced it all together. I came off the Sertraline because it had sawed my libido in half and I had qualms about it damaging my brain and it's cheating but actually makes things worse in the long run etc, and I'm glad I did but it was a wild ride.

Fling 1. An old friend I had once lusted after and was back in touch with. It as hard for me to tell her but I was up front and said I didn't see us having a future together and rather than scaring her off it simplified things. Things went really well when she came to mine. They started to fall apart when I went to hers (I'd been off the drugs for a a couple of days by then).

Fling 2. Lily. Met her on POF. Seemed boring on text chat but liked her a lot when I met her face to face. I was wearing Sertraline goggles by then, though. When I came off it we started arguing. I told her to be patient because I'd just come off my meds. She said, I was stupid going cold turkey like that, when she came off her meds she wanted to kill people. I said, you're on meds too?? She said yeah, don't make out it's something strange, everyone is. On Oct 2nd, the last day I saw her she was irritable, which she had been for a while. I asked her if she was still on her anti-depressants. She said no, she didn't need them. I reminded her what she had said to be me about it being unwise to come off them and wanting to kill people when she wasn't on them. She replied that it wasn't the meds that were the problem it was everyone being arse holes. (Lily wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. I may never meet anyone again who doesn't know the word 'subsidise'. But when she was at her best she was wonderful and quite lovely in her own way).

Fling 3. This almost happened but I cancelled it. I had arranged a date with a woman in Colchester.

So just think. In two and a half years of being back in the UK I manage one girlfriend, then I take some Sertraline and...maybe that's not the whole story.

It's possible shit was going to hit the fan anyway but without seeing the alternative timeline I can't say.

A word about the title, the power of honesty. Fling 1 and fling 2 were informed right from the start that I had two dates on my plate and were okay with it because I'd been upfront from the start. So it wasn't really a case of one relationship going wrong, then another starting. They both started right and went wrong about the same time with the death knell of the platonic aspect of the relationship being rung about the same time. However, in terms of actual sex I jiggled it so I wasn't actually sleeping with them at the same time.

Tailspin

I spoke too soon. That same evening of my last post I descended back into apathy and since then I've been playing Combat 42 on my phone and watching back to back episodes of Air Crash documentaries on YouTube. Last night my subconscious was working hard as it could to figure out a solution but I woke up still feeling the situation is hopeless.

I should have done this ten years ago

Today I had my first inkling that the drug might have started working. If I didn't know I was on medication I might not have noticed it, I might simply have thought I was experiencing an upbeat mood but on top of that I felt more human than I have done in a long while and things seemed less of a chore. I'd been ignoring a kiwi and a pot of natural yoghurt at the back of the fridge that were going mouldy but today it seemed like no trouble at all to bend down and do something about them. I also didn't feel like time was running away from me.

If this is the medication working then perhaps I should have taken it ten, maybe even twenty years ago. It's too early to say because I do have good days. 

Less of a wanker

My doctor didn't mention the side effects of Setraline but I realized on Sunday that I hadn't had a wank in three days whereas I often wank three times a day (or more). I tested my equipment last night and though I came within a fairly normal timeframe it wasn't as enjoyable as normal. I guess it was a bit like the second or third ejaculation during sex. Normally after three days I'd be feeling very horny. So when I woke up in the morning I had another go and it took me about half an hour although I did produce a lot of sperm. So I went online and discovered that this is a common problem, with many horror stories about it posted in forums. It seems there are three ways it could go. I will have a diminished or no libido until I come off Setraline. My libido will recover as my body adjusts to the medication. My libido will always be diminished or non-existent, even if I come off the medication. Given the risks involved my lovely (and now leaving, just like my last lovely trainee doctor did) doctor probably should have said something or maybe she just credited me with the sense to do the research. I guess being less of a wanker may not be such a bad thing, though.