Remembering Lily

Before our relationship trod on a banana skin, and in fact even after, Lily and I were having quite a creative time together. She drew me a picture of me in an Allegro for my Facebook page, was a saucy interviewer interviewing me for my book (sadly deleted by her the first time we broke up) and we wrote and rehearsed an innuendo-filled Krankies sketch together, except we had turned it around so that I was playing the mother and she was my daughter. We also made a couple of pseudo jokey porn movies with particular emphasis on the introductory phoney story bit that comes before the sex.  I was watching them last night and remembering the fun side of her again and hoping that she finds someone she can be happy with.

The power of honesty

Three months have passed, you may have noticed. Well well well. Where to start? The funny thing about the Sertraline, which I have been off for 2 months is, it kicked in without me realising and I immediately had two flings that practically overlapped each other. Then I came off it and everything immediately starting going wrong. Coincidence? I don't know.

I think the medication made me more upbeat and fun to be around without me realising. In fact, with Lily (fling 2) I was particularly manic, planning all manner of weird things with her, including a Krankies tribute act and a day out picking up rubbish in motorway verges, to name just two of the many unorthodox things that was on our hit list. And I laughed- I laughed as I have never done before with Lily- and then there was none left. We tried to rekindle what had been but it was completely dead and buried. The last time I saw her was the day before my 41st birthday. She bought me a fish and chip meal, we went to a shitty arcade, played football on the beach with her son and she gave me a birthday card that said, 'Thanks for the laughs.'

For a month or so she'd wanted the old James back (I ended the relationship but it was very much mutual) but I had no idea where he was either. I honestly didn't think I had changed much but I had reverted to the mean spirited, overly serious and negative person I am only just discovering that I must come across to others. (I don't know why I'm so sad, it wearies me, you say it wearies you).

It was only with hindsight that I pieced it all together. I came off the Sertraline because it had sawed my libido in half and I had qualms about it damaging my brain and it's cheating but actually makes things worse in the long run etc, and I'm glad I did but it was a wild ride.

Fling 1. An old friend I had once lusted after and was back in touch with. It as hard for me to tell her but I was up front and said I didn't see us having a future together and rather than scaring her off it simplified things. Things went really well when she came to mine. They started to fall apart when I went to hers (I'd been off the drugs for a a couple of days by then).

Fling 2. Lily. Met her on POF. Seemed boring on text chat but liked her a lot when I met her face to face. I was wearing Sertraline goggles by then, though. When I came off it we started arguing. I told her to be patient because I'd just come off my meds. She said, I was stupid going cold turkey like that, when she came off her meds she wanted to kill people. I said, you're on meds too?? She said yeah, don't make out it's something strange, everyone is. On Oct 2nd, the last day I saw her she was irritable, which she had been for a while. I asked her if she was still on her anti-depressants. She said no, she didn't need them. I reminded her what she had said to be me about it being unwise to come off them and wanting to kill people when she wasn't on them. She replied that it wasn't the meds that were the problem it was everyone being arse holes. (Lily wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. I may never meet anyone again who doesn't know the word 'subsidise'. But when she was at her best she was wonderful and quite lovely in her own way).

Fling 3. This almost happened but I cancelled it. I had arranged a date with a woman in Colchester.

So just think. In two and a half years of being back in the UK I manage one girlfriend, then I take some Sertraline and...maybe that's not the whole story.

It's possible shit was going to hit the fan anyway but without seeing the alternative timeline I can't say.

A word about the title, the power of honesty. Fling 1 and fling 2 were informed right from the start that I had two dates on my plate and were okay with it because I'd been upfront from the start. So it wasn't really a case of one relationship going wrong, then another starting. They both started right and went wrong about the same time with the death knell of the platonic aspect of the relationship being rung about the same time. However, in terms of actual sex I jiggled it so I wasn't actually sleeping with them at the same time.

Tailspin

I spoke too soon. That same evening of my last post I descended back into apathy and since then I've been playing Combat 42 on my phone and watching back to back episodes of Air Crash documentaries on YouTube. Last night my subconscious was working hard as it could to figure out a solution but I woke up still feeling the situation is hopeless.

I should have done this ten years ago

Today I had my first inkling that the drug might have started working. If I didn't know I was on medication I might not have noticed it, I might simply have thought I was experiencing an upbeat mood but on top of that I felt more human than I have done in a long while and things seemed less of a chore. I'd been ignoring a kiwi and a pot of natural yoghurt at the back of the fridge that were going mouldy but today it seemed like no trouble at all to bend down and do something about them. I also didn't feel like time was running away from me.

If this is the medication working then perhaps I should have taken it ten, maybe even twenty years ago. It's too early to say because I do have good days. 

Less of a wanker

My doctor didn't mention the side effects of Setraline but I realized on Sunday that I hadn't had a wank in three days whereas I often wank three times a day (or more). I tested my equipment last night and though I came within a fairly normal timeframe it wasn't as enjoyable as normal. I guess it was a bit like the second or third ejaculation during sex. Normally after three days I'd be feeling very horny. So when I woke up in the morning I had another go and it took me about half an hour although I did produce a lot of sperm. So I went online and discovered that this is a common problem, with many horror stories about it posted in forums. It seems there are three ways it could go. I will have a diminished or no libido until I come off Setraline. My libido will recover as my body adjusts to the medication. My libido will always be diminished or non-existent, even if I come off the medication. Given the risks involved my lovely (and now leaving, just like my last lovely trainee doctor did) doctor probably should have said something or maybe she just credited me with the sense to do the research. I guess being less of a wanker may not be such a bad thing, though.

A cloudy Sunday

The sertraline hasn't kicked in yet and it's hard to think that it ever will bring me sunshine. I find it hard to muster the energy to do anything. Life can change if you keep faith and keep pressing but it's so hard to believe that at times like these with no money and no company. I got up late but I still went to sleep on the sofa in the afternoon.

Ghost story

My mother could find her way into an online shopping basket blindfolded but other types of internet navigation are difficult for her, due to her MS. It affects her co-ordination, her sight, and her thinking as well as giving her constant pain and frequent dizziness, so everything is a struggle.
I have ghostwritten the first chapter of her life story and entered it into a competition for her. As part of the competition rules she has to mark three other entries, which is easier said than done. She managed to read the first one and I entered the marks she suggested over the phone but after that finding the other two entries, even with my help, was beyond her so I marked them myself imitating her style, to a degree.

That was my good deed for the day or would have been if I hadn't been irritable with mum. The only other thing of note occurred just past midnight-i.e first thing this morning soon after I posted. I sent different messages to the ten women, almost all of which were based on something on their profile but I asked one if she'd ever seen a ghost. The dialogue continued:

Actually I have, and lots of ghostly experienced about 12 years ago

Why 12 years ago? Were you living somewhere haunted?

Yeah place had a weird feel to it

And how about the ghost you saw? You saw a ghost or heard/felt? Thanks for replying to me, BTW.

I was about 13/14 there were about 10 of us on the beach we all saw same thing. And np. Shame your in Kent otherwise I'd of said lets meet for a costa lol

It is a shame. I don't mean to impose on you but is there anything more you could tell me about the ghost you saw? Otherwise thank you anyway.

They're hard to explain about 8/10 of them sort of floating across the sand they were in long black cloaks with pointed hoods but like the pics/films I've seen the kkk wearing. Was really scary tbh

Intriguing. Was it at night? Where was this?

It was summer about 9ish I guess not quite dark